How We Help
A Weekly Note on the art, science, and philosophy of helping relationships
What Is 'Psychodynamic' Therapy? What Gives it Depth?
In the ever-expanding world of therapy, some therapists are psychodynamically oriented; others are not. As a practical matter, nearly all kinds of therapy have psychodynamic aspects. That said, a key way of distinguishing them is by the extent to which they are psychodynamic. Even if you’re not a therapist or a patient in therapy, reflecting on this distinction helps us consider about what it means to be human and to become our best selves.
A Spring Breather- and suggestion
plan to make a couple other beginnings too. Spring is a time of hope and, for me anyway, excess hope for fresh starts!
On Making the Unconscious Conscious
Making the unconscious conscious is a key to growth and wisdom—and healing. This much is agreed on by most philosophers and spiritual traditions, and of course by psychotherapists. When Socrates warns that the unexamined life is not worth living, it’s because being unconscious is not as fully human a life. Philosopher John Stuart Mill drove the point home saying it’s better to be a dissatisfied Socrates than a satisfied pig. He added, “if the fool, or the pig, are of a different opinion, it is because they only know their own side of the question."
Are Lies Ever Therapeutic?
It can feel awful to realize someone is lying to us, and awful to be the one lying. But Socrates is right, not all lies are bad. I feel apprehensive about saying this out loud, though most of us know this is true. (Except of course for Kant and Kantians. Kant argued that lying is always wrong.) So let’s look at lying, keeping in mind how it comes up in helping relationships. In this context, a lie is therapeutic when, as Socrates argued, it serves as “good medicine or a preventive.”
A (True) Dog Story
The hero of our story is Aktis, my beloved German shepherd who died 8 years ago. One thing you should know upfront—especially if you’re wary or fearful of German shepherds: Aktis was a warmly affectionate, playful, and sometimes seriously unserious dog. In such moments my partner would compare him (fondly) to a dissolute Bavarian prince, for behind Aktis’s stature and rank she saw a soul drawn to idle pleasures and luxuriousness—not all that serious, and not all that upright. At least not usually. And here begins my tale.
Coming to Our Senses, Doggy Style
Have you ever tried to have a video chat or phone call with a dog? Maybe you’re away from home, and your partner or child puts your dog on the call. You might get that endearing head cock of recognition. (Or maybe it’s puzzlement at hearing your familiar voice dissociated from its body.) But there won’t be any real connection: the media are too thin for that.
How to Stop Making Sense: the reducing valve of virtual communications
I almost started this note with an unforgettably fragrant patient. Like their body odor, it would have been gripping. But first I want to sketch the bigger picture in which that smell lingers on.
How Thick is Your Presence?
The other day a 40-year-old patient tearfully told me about a “fight” she’d gotten into with one of her closest friends. She’s warm and thoughtful and engaging—and online a lot. So, before hearing more, I asked where they were. She looked at me, puzzled: “What do you mean?” I said, “I just mean, where were you together? In person? Over FaceTime or Zoom? By phone or text?” She said, “Oh, we were chatting on What’s App. Why? Does it matter?” Her questions lead to a bigger one: What does it mean to be-together?