It’s hard to be hated. It’s hard to feel we’re disappointing to others. It’s hard to be on the receiving end of negativity from those we care for, whether it be a child, a partner, an employee, a student, or a patient. Yet it’s an inescapable part of our alliances. The only serious question is how we deal with it. Which brings me to this week’s note.

My first job in this second career as a psychotherapist was at Dragonfly, a residential-treatment program for young adults. My job involved working with my clients and their parents, who were usually paying for treatment. I remember an awkward conversation with a mother who heatedly demanded to know whether I’d ever been a parent. When I said no, she replied, “Then what do you know about parenting, much less being a mother? Why should I trust your advice?”

This week I offer a few longer quotations from Winnicott’s writings about parenting—that is, about how to raise a free, autonomous, creative human being. There’s no special principle of selection. These happened to catch my eye as I was reading; I hope they catch yours too.

Everyone has a mother. Being a mother is simultaneously a most ordinary and extraordinary role. So, what’s involved in being a good mother, and a good parent generally? The question is important, for how we were parented has an outsize impact on who we become. In addition, as allies there’s a lot we can learn about being helpful from learning what goes into good parenting. Psychodynamic therapy, for example, often includes a “reparenting” process of one sort or other.